A as in Alopecia

I should explain something important about myself considering it figures into many of my stories.

I have Alopecia, which is the medical term for baldness. Alopecia is caused by an autoimmune disease. The hair loss is a symptom of something unknown going wrong in my immune system and it begins to attack the hair follicles. It is not contagious. There are several types of Alopecia, the main three being Alopecia Partialis, Alopecia Totalis and Alopecia Universalis. I have, at different times, suffered from all three types. Alopecia Partialis is when the hair falls out in a patchy pattern on either the scalp, body or both. Alopecia Totalis is when all the hair on the scalp falls out and the body hair remains. Alopecia Universalis is when there is a complete loss of hair over the entire body.

About two years ago my hair started to grow back. I would still find spots of hair loss in places but for the most part, it was back. I hadn't had hair longer than half an inch in thirteen years. I loved it. I would run my fingers through it all the time. I enjoyed having hair that flew around when the wind blew. I loved buying shampoo and hair clips. I loved the way it tickled the back of my neck. I loved bad hair days.
But, I never once took it for granted, knowing it could fall out just as mysteriously and easily as it had grown back.

Alopecia is a medical explanation for what I have.
The other explanation may be jealousy. I believe my father's daughters put a hex on me.
It's okay, you can laugh. If you don't believe in "hexes" or "bad juju" the subject can be pretty silly. The fact is that they dislike me to that degree. I could absolutely see them doing something like this. Outside of actually making me disappear from this earth, doing something that would hurt my looks is exactly their style.

It started when I was 26 years old. It was the day after my father made his wife and their two daughters apologize to me. I'd been visiting for the Thanksgiving holiday when some argument started. I don't remember off-hand what the argument was about but I'm sure it had something to do with my existence. The more I responded with calm and sarcasm the more they wanted to smack me. I could see the anger on their faces. I finally got up and said I was leaving. I didn't care if I stayed in a hotel or sat at the airport until I caught a flight back home, I was out of there. My father agreed to take me to my uncle's house until things calmed down.

The very next morning he picked me up and the only thing I know for sure is that his wife and their daughters apologized for the argument. My father then insisted I stay at the house again. I don't remember my father ever taking a stand on my behalf and so, I stayed.

After my shower the very next morning, his wife found a bald spot the size of a quarter on the back of my head; a very smooth, round spot. Within the next several weeks every hair on my head fell out. Just like that. I wore a hat until I couldn't hide it any longer and finally I bought a wig.

I will not downplay the fact that it is very difficult to live with. I put on a strong front, for one, no one really wants to hear a sob story but mostly because I know there are worse things to suffer from.

Still, some days I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror. Some nights I cry myself to sleep.
I get neck and shoulder cramps from not wanting to move my head much in case my wig moves too. The summers can be unbearable and winter winds scare the hell out of me. Whatever the reason my hair fell out, whatever insecurities I've suffered through because of it... I can't deny it's a part of who I am. It's helped me to rely on inner strength and gut instincts. It's helped me to weed out the wrong people from my life. It's even allowed me an intimacy many don't get to share with others. I think it's helped me to be a better version of who I might have been. I try my best not to question the manner in which this wisdom was given and to simply recognize the blessing of knowing who I am.

Last week I found a smooth, round, quarter size, bald spot on the front of my scalp. There has been more hair on my pillow in the mornings and today, while putting on makeup, wisps of hair fell into the bathroom sink. It's happening again.

This time I may be more prepared but it certainly won't be any easier.

If you're curious about Alopecia... try this site.
http://www.medicinenet.com/alopecia_areata/article.htm