About Me

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Harlem, New York, United States
At a very young age I knew I wanted to do anything that involved getting my "opinion" on life out there. I would tell true stories and made up stories. I would sing and dance. I would conduct interviews and draw pictures. I just needed an outlet. My plans were to become a talk show host, until one day my mother pointed out that it would mean I'd have to do a lot of listening too. I realized talk show host wasn’t really going to work since what I really wanted was to talk and have people listen. In time I had to admit that I had much more to say than most people had time to listen to. So, I started to keep a journal. My journals helped me to formulate my thoughts and emotions but I still had no audience. Hopefully this blog will give me that audience. Blessed Be

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Respecting Boundaries

A simple legal  definition of harassment according to Black's Law Dictionary, is: "A course of conduct directed at a specific person that causes substantial emotional distress in such person and serves no legitimate purpose" or "Words, gestures, and actions which tend to annoy, alarm and abuse (verbally) another person."

I have to admit I am sensitive to certain behaviors that I consider “stalking indicators”. Unfortunately, it’s from experience that I've become hyper-aware of domineering or overly-inconsiderate behavior, which makes my guard go up. Often in a "Mama Bear defending her cubs" way.
I’ll start by explaining that I’m a survivor of stalking. I mean that in the very real sense of the word. It isn’t for dramatic effect or me playing a victim, I was literally stalked. I was watched while going to and from work and while out meeting family or friends. I’d get calls from him telling me exactly what I’d worn that day and where I’d gone. If I didn’t answer my phone I’d get messages with just breathing, or long winded rants or straight out threats. Sometimes there were so many messages that my answering machine would become full. As I did everything I could to avoid this person and live my life as normal as possible things just got worse. Paying attention didn’t help, telling him to leave me alone didn’t help and ignoring him didn’t help. First he begged for me to listen, to give him another chance. Then I was cursed at for “thinking I was too good for him” Next step was being threatened physically because I needed to “learn my lesson”.

This experience was an actual stalking but it started with basic harassment. Harassment doesn’t always lead to but can be a potential sign of stalker behavior. For me, the most important indicator is when a person doesn’t accept that No means No. Doesn’t matter whether you believe someone really mean yes, the fact that they said No means you have to step back. I not only find it annoying as hell but I find it disrespectful when I say, “No thank you”, and someone keeps pushing me. To me it says that they either don’t care what I want or they feel that I don’t know what I want. I take great offense to both things because both imply I’m incapable of making my own decisions. If someone doesn’t listen to you when you say No to minor things what will happen when it really counts? No other time is it more important to stand ones ground than when someone is a threat to you. When someone tries to get in the way of you caring for yourself, be it physically or emotionally you should protect yourself. And, the first step is to speak up. Be clear about your boundaries. Don’t we teach our children to speak up when they feel uncomfortable about their personal space being invaded? We teach them that whether it’s a stranger or family member that they have the right to speak up. Yet, as an adult speaking up when we feel threatened on any level other than physically it’s considered being dramatic or difficult? That simply doesn’t make sense. Saying “Hey, I said NO and I mean it” is important for us to express whenever we feel lines are being crossed. Why should it be only acceptable when there’s a physical threat? And, expressing it doesn’t have to be aggressive either, only clearly stated.

For a healthy relationship to exist one needs to be open to compromise and there is a certain amount of give and take but when one person can’t or won’t give then there is no more relationship. Look, I’m not saying to be a jerk about breaking up with someone. Start by explaining why things aren’t working for you any longer. Be kind, we’ve all had heartbreak before and its hell. Sometimes a friendship can grow after a breakup if there’s genuine caring and respect for one another. I’m pro-explanation, it creates dialog. But, when you are put in a position where your “explanation” isn’t enough, then you need to stop and move on. Explaining for the sake of healing or easing a difficult situation is kind and often healthy for both sides. But “having” to explain yourself for the sake of approval (often multiple times) is something totally different. Unless you’re in a court of law or you expect others to clean up your messes, you don’t need to defend your choices. What I’m talking about here is when you attempt a kind and considerate, “this is why I want out” conversation and the other person refuses to give up. I mean, I’ve literally had guys say to me, “You can break up with me but I’m not breaking up with you.” Ummm, if that isn’t stalker-ish, what is? Then there was the, “Oh, so I just have to listen to what you say?” comment. Again, Ummm, yes, when someone says it’s over and you refuse to listen, you then fall into the harasser or stalker category… don’t be offended by the label, dude if that’s where your behavior places you. Bottom line is when one person says they no longer want to be in a relationship the other person needs to respect that. No one has the right; I repeat “NO ONE” has the right to force someone else to stay in a relationship they are unhappy in.

To be fair I don’t think most people see their behavior as creepy when it first goes in this direction. That’s why I take the harsh stand of pointing it out to them. I mean look at romantic comedies or romance novels, often (not always) they show how love makes you crazy and persistent. Extreme persistence is a sign of the amount of love you feel. In time you can get your love interest to “understand” that you’re the one by “convincing” them that they love you in return. The pursuer rarely listens to what the other person wants or asks for. It’s one sided until the love interest is symbolically beaten down and gives in. Wow! That is so very romantic, huh?
I love romantic comedies and I have a collection of Harlequin Romance novels that would put Barnes & Nobel to shame but its fantasy, its entertainment. I mean, think about it, people who confuse what they see on television or in the movies with reality are often the ones who turn up on the 11 O’clock news.
Honestly, I’m a romantic at heart. I believe in true love. I believe in love at first sight. I believe in “wooing” each other and mushy hugs and kisses. I hold out hope of finding love again. But, the same way you can’t really solve a murder or cure a flesh eating disease in one or two hours you can’t really expect to find love in the same amount of time. It takes getting to know another person (the sweet and the sour) and you keep doing that until you come across a deal-breaker. You know you found “the one” when you go years and years with no deal-breakers. If you find a romantic deal-breaker that doesn't mean you can’t remain lifelong friends. Some of my favorite people I wouldn’t want to marry. But, I love them and am grateful their in my life.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Armchair Psychology

Armchair Psychologist: A person who gives advice for mental/emotional disorders or any other mental illness and has no known background knowledge of psychology. “Self appointed analysts… like back seat drivers of the psyche”

I am really angry right now and I feel the best way to work it out is to write. I have a few things that I’d like to address… the word “no”, stalking and bullying just to name a few but for now the main thing I want to write about is Armchair Psychology.

Look, we are all guilty of it.
I’m certainly one who thinks she knows what is wrong with everyone, including what’s wrong with me. I take some pride in being pretty self-aware. I know what my emotional baggage is and I even understand why I carry most of it. When I look into what I should do to become a “healthier” person emotionally and mentally it doesn’t make “fixing” it any easier. Only time and hard work can do that. I am not a perfect soul. I am here to learn lessons and live as best I can. As I believe we all are here to do. So, though I may feel that I have the answers to why others are the way they are I would be more than arrogant to insist that my unprofessional “diagnosis” is the one true answer.

A woman I have known for about three years has decided that I need help (meaning professional help) for 1. My lying, 2. Playing the victim and 3. Driving men away.
The lies I apparently told were part of a personal conversation that she was never in on and no one including me would have had anything to gain from such information. Later when the truth came out and it was shown there were no lies I didn’t even get an apology nor (for some reason) was it was ever addressed again.
My playing the victim comes from me not liking the way I’m treated and taking a stand. Apparently the fact that I “think” I’m being treated badly means I am playing a victim. Ummm, I’m thinking that taking care of my self when I feel uncomfortable or unsafe means I’m doing the very opposite of playing a victim. Does it matter whether someone is really mistreating me? If I went to the police or if I physically confronted them, then yes… maybe that would be over the top but to distance myself from them or tell them I don’t appreciate their behavior is nothing more than me taking my life into my own hands.
And, now for the last thing… “Driving men away”, this is the one that pissed me off the most. The reason it pissed me off is because it was told to a guy who I liked and which I hoped things would progress in a good direction. This woman was supposed to be not only my friend but someone who was also supposed to be a spiritual advisor and who was supposed to keep my confidences to herself. She just told a man to be aware because I drive away all the men who come into my life. Really??? Let’s me clarify this…

This woman who has known me for three years (I’m 42 so that’s no time really) makes a statement that she could not know to be true. I mean, I have not had a boyfriend in well over four years so she didn’t even know me when I had a man in my life. In (again) the three years she has known me I have gone on dates with less than a handful of guys. Of the “dates” most never made it to a second date, when it’s not a good date, I don’t need a second date to verify it. Let’s see, I had a month long relationship with a guy who I chatted with daily but we NEVER went out. This was his choice not mine. I tried reconciling with an ex-boyfriend who had baby mama drama so that didn’t work out but there was no anger or hate involved. And one amazing night with a great guy who lives on another continent.
So, what is she talking about?
What she knows of my past from before she was around is what I’ve told her. I’ve been engaged three times. The first one we were too young and there are no hard feelings there. The second was a physical abuser. The third, besides having questionable “friendships” loved the NY Yankees more than his own mother.
I am friends with the vast majority of my ex-boyfriends. Most can claim only that I’m stubborn or too independent but they wouldn’t say I wasn’t a good person or someone they couldn’t trust.

I’m getting a little off topic here… I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that someone who presented herself to be a caring confidante has taken it upon herself to “armchair psycho-analyze” me and instead of talking to ME about it has decided to bring it to the attention of others. “Others” are the people who are using this woman’s self-serving misdiagnosis of me AGAINST me for their own satisfaction. Is that sentence me simply playing the victim? Hmmm… I don’t know. But, it’s what I feel has happened since her words (words I’ve heard her use in my presence) were thrown at me yesterday in anger. I drive men away. That was what was said.
It was hurtful and certainly not true but imagine if it was true!
How in the world would her destructive gossiping help me? It simply wouldn't. In fact, it would and could cause more damage. I could decide that I will never find love and never try again. I could decide that I'm not worthy of a good relationship and settle on an abusive one. I could choose to isolate myself and not trust any more since someone I trusted abused our friendship. I could toss away my spirituality because my Gods led me to people who hurt me instead of cared for me. How dare someone take it upon themselves to purposely influence another's life so negatively? Especially when they promote themselves as an honest, caring leader? 
There is no way to end this post other than for me to be grateful for my love of self and faith in spirit to guide me through the rough times.

All in all, hard times create character and I learn with each hardship.
I have long lasting friendships and a loving family. I'm truly more blessed than not.

So mote it be

Friday, August 12, 2011

Reminder to myself

May I be aware when I’ve hurt someone
May I be humble enough to apologize when I am wrong
May I never assume I know someone else’s path
May I use soft words when offering harsh truths.
May I never purposely push someone to the edge and if I do… may I acknowledge responsibility if they choose to jump.
May I be mindful of the consequences of my actions
May I learn from my mistakes
May I continue to grow and heal
May I remain open to love, trust and friendship.
May I be kind to myself as well as to others.
May I continue to be a shoulder for those who feel they can’t stand alone.
May I be a better daughter, sister and friend
May I be a better me with every new breath
May I remember, daily, the strength I carry within myself
May I remain aware of my daily blessings
And, may the Goddess walk beside me with every step I take

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Old & Wise

I woke up this morning and as I was lying there listening to the radio doing some stretching the words "Let It Be" came to mind. It was an inner voice that was telling me to let things go and move forward. Not an easy task at the moment but as long as that voice is still there, I'm already on the right path.
Well, considering the magical life that I lead, what do you think happened next? Yep, about five minutes after my mind said, "Let It Be" Paul McCartney starts singing it.
It may be a Wise Crone who speaks to me instead of Mother Mary but the words are the same.
So appropriate. It was a good way to begin my day.


I got ready for my first day back at work after my vacation and I'm sitting on the train listening to my ipod. I just shuffled my 3ooo songs and decided to listen to whatever came on. A very significant song comes on. A song I hadn't heard in quite awhile. Old & Wise by the Alan Parsons Project.
Not just another very fitting song for what I'm dealing with but my High School graduation song. Ummm... come to think of it Let It Be was my other graduation song.


I guess in a way I am graduating again. I'm entering another phase of my life. I'm growing and moving on. It hurts to leave some people behind and to go into the unknown but I'm excited. Those that are supposed to remain in my life will find a way back to me and vice versa.
In the meantime, I have lots to be thankful for... Deity, Courage, love, wisdom, family, old friends and a good man... I am on my way.


Old & Wise
As far as my eyes can see
There are Shadows approaching me
And to those I left behind
I wanted you to Know
You've always shared my deepest thoughts
You follow where I go


And oh when I'm old and wise
Bitter words mean little to me
Autumn Winds will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they asked me if I knew you
I'd smile and say you were a friend of mine
And the sadness would be Lifted from my eyes
Oh when I'm old and wise


As far as my Eyes can see
There are shadows surrounding me
And to those I leave behind
I want you all to know
You've always Shared my darkest hours
I'll miss you when I go


And oh, when I'm old and wise
Heavy words that tossed and blew me
Like Autumn winds that will blow right through me
And someday in the mist of time
When they ask you if you knew me
Remember that You were a friend of mine
As the final curtain falls before my eyes
Oh when I'm Old and wise


As far as my eyes can see