Respecting Boundaries

A simple legal  definition of harassment according to Black's Law Dictionary, is: "A course of conduct directed at a specific person that causes substantial emotional distress in such person and serves no legitimate purpose" or "Words, gestures, and actions which tend to annoy, alarm and abuse (verbally) another person."

I have to admit I am sensitive to certain behaviors that I consider “stalking indicators”. Unfortunately, it’s from experience that I've become hyper-aware of domineering or overly-inconsiderate behavior, which makes my guard go up. Often in a "Mama Bear defending her cubs" way.

I’ll start by explaining that I’m a survivor of stalking. I mean that in the very real sense of the word. It isn’t for dramatic effect or me playing a victim, I was literally stalked. I was watched while going to and from work and while out meeting family or friends. I’d get calls from him telling me exactly what I’d worn that day and where I’d gone. If I didn’t answer my phone I’d get messages with just breathing, or long winded rants or straight out threats. Sometimes there were so many messages that my answering machine would become full. As I did everything I could to avoid this person and live my life as normal as possible things just got worse. Paying attention didn’t help, telling him to leave me alone didn’t help and ignoring him didn’t help. First he begged for me to listen, to give him another chance. Then I was cursed at for “thinking I was too good for him” Next step was being threatened physically because I needed to “learn my lesson”.

This experience was an actual stalking but it started with basic harassment. Harassment doesn’t always lead to but can be a potential sign of stalker behavior. For me, the most important indicator is when a person doesn’t accept that No means No. Doesn’t matter whether you believe someone really mean yes, the fact that they said No means you have to step back. I not only find it annoying as hell but I find it disrespectful when I say, “No thank you”, and someone keeps pushing me. To me it says that they either don’t care what I want or they feel that I don’t know what I want. I take great offense to both things because both imply I’m incapable of making my own decisions. If someone doesn’t listen to you when you say No to minor things what will happen when it really counts? No other time is it more important to stand ones ground than when someone is a threat to you. When someone tries to get in the way of you caring for yourself, be it physically or emotionally you should protect yourself. And, the first step is to speak up. Be clear about your boundaries. Don’t we teach our children to speak up when they feel uncomfortable about their personal space being invaded? We teach them that whether it’s a stranger or family member that they have the right to speak up. Yet, as an adult speaking up when we feel threatened on any level other than physically it’s considered being dramatic or difficult? That simply doesn’t make sense. Saying “Hey, I said NO and I mean it” is important for us to express whenever we feel lines are being crossed. Why should it be only acceptable when there’s a physical threat? And, expressing it doesn’t have to be aggressive either, only clearly stated.

For a healthy relationship to exist one needs to be open to compromise and there is a certain amount of give and take but when one person can’t or won’t give then there is no more relationship. Look, I’m not saying to be a jerk about breaking up with someone. Start by explaining why things aren’t working for you any longer. Be kind, we’ve all had heartbreak before and its hell. Sometimes a friendship can grow after a breakup if there’s genuine caring and respect for one another. I’m pro-explanation, it creates dialog. But, when you are put in a position where your “explanation” isn’t enough, then you need to stop and move on. Explaining for the sake of healing or easing a difficult situation is kind and often healthy for both sides. But “having” to explain yourself for the sake of approval (often multiple times) is something totally different. Unless you’re in a court of law or you expect others to clean up your messes, you don’t need to defend your choices. What I’m talking about here is when you attempt a kind and considerate, “this is why I want out” conversation and the other person refuses to give up. I mean, I’ve literally had guys say to me, “You can break up with me but I’m not breaking up with you.” Ummm, if that isn’t stalker-ish, what is? Then there was the, “Oh, so I just have to listen to what you say?” comment. Again, Ummm, yes, when someone says it’s over and you refuse to listen, you then fall into the harasser or stalker category… don’t be offended by the label, dude if that’s where your behavior places you. Bottom line is when one person says they no longer want to be in a relationship the other person needs to respect that. No one has the right; I repeat “NO ONE” has the right to force someone else to stay in a relationship they are unhappy in.

To be fair I don’t think most people see their behavior as creepy when it first goes in this direction. That’s why I take the harsh stand of pointing it out to them. I mean look at romantic comedies or romance novels, often (not always) they show how love makes you crazy and persistent. Extreme persistence is a sign of the amount of love you feel. In time you can get your love interest to “understand” that you’re the one by “convincing” them that they love you in return. The pursuer rarely listens to what the other person wants or asks for. It’s one sided until the love interest is symbolically beaten down and gives in. Wow! That is so very romantic, huh?

I love romantic comedies and I have a collection of Harlequin Romance novels that would put Barnes & Nobel to shame but its fantasy, its entertainment. I mean, think about it, people who confuse what they see on television or in the movies with reality are often the ones who turn up on the 11 O’clock news.

Honestly, I’m a romantic at heart. I believe in true love. I believe in love at first sight. I believe in “wooing” each other and mushy hugs and kisses. I hold out hope of finding love again. But, the same way you can’t really solve a murder or cure a flesh eating disease in one or two hours you can’t really expect to find love in the same amount of time. It takes getting to know another person (the sweet and the sour) and you keep doing that until you come across a deal-breaker. You know you found “the one” when you go years and years with no deal-breakers. If you find a romantic deal-breaker that doesn't mean you can’t remain lifelong friends. Some of my favorite people I wouldn’t want to marry. But, I love them and am grateful their in my life.