Yesterday and Today

One moment my life was going along on one track and the next, SMACK, it changed direction.
There was an abrupt end to a sense of security I'd known for some time. It felt like a death and I was at a complete loss as to what I should do.

I was going about my day, feeling good. No drama at work. No crazy neighbors. I had food in my kitchen. I knew where my loved ones were. I was happy with my most recent writings. All I had planned was some house cleaning.

On a larger scale, I was feeling pretty settled in my life. I'd gotten a bonus at work. I felt safe and comfortable in my home. I was happy being single. I was breaking old habits that were holding me back, moving past some old hurts. I felt loved, respected and appreciated by family and friends. I felt strong. The presence of the Goddess herself surrounded me.

Then I got a call that broke my heart, a call that almost shattered my inner work, a call that reminded me of why I shouldn't let down my guard.
I'm aware that my "inner work" couldn’t have been very solid to begin with if it could be shattered so easily. But, this was hard… I felt my words, my honesty and my character were in question.

I felt insulted and betrayed.

Suddenly that little girl who only had herself to trust and turn to was back. She was pointing her finger in my face telling me I should have known better; that she knew this would happen. Reminding me, no one can ever really be trusted; no one will ever put me first. Family and friends can easily turn their backs on me and walk away because in truth, I will never be loved unconditionally.

Oh, yes, for awhile I'm tricked into thinking I'm special but the same old lesson is soon repeated... "You will never be enough."
It happens when I think I've found a place that is safe. When I think I've found people who understand, when I have hope that I've overcome hearing that little girl with her big voice saying... “You will never be the smart one. Never the successful one. Never the one who gets picked first. Never the one who wins someone's loyalty. Never the one who gets the benefit of the doubt. Never the one people come to the defense of. Just!  Never!  The right one!”

What I am, she says, is… the one who speaks up when she should shut up. The one who causes problems and drama. The one who is different. The one who should be ignored. The one who should just go away.
One day maybe I might.
It's easier to accept being lonely when you actually have no one around you.
I need to accept it. This is what I have to work with. This is my path. So, I will keep my head down and quietly stay out of the way.

That was yesterday…

Today I am allowing myself to be angry but mostly I’m letting myself move forward. I have been accused of worse and in the end, have not only survived the hurt but been proven to be a person of my word. I felt betrayed by a few individuals but I refuse to lose or betray myself and so I will adapt to the new path before me. Make choices based on where and who is in my life now.

People who accuse without proof, who judge without clear insight, who don’t stand behind their own words are not people I need to prove myself to.
If I am only given a handful of people whom I can entrust with my love, loyalty and friendship then so be it. Sometimes less is MORE. 

I don’t want to dwell on this newest hurt
I don’t want my insecurities to keep me from being open and hopeful

Instead, I want to learn…

May I be aware when I’ve hurt someone
May I be humble enough to apologize when I am wrong
May I never assume I know someone else’s path
May I never purposely push someone to the edge and if I do… may I acknowledge responsibility if they choose to jump.
May I be mindful of the consequences of my actions
May I learn from my mistakes

I want to always remember the strength I carry within myself...

May I continue to grow and heal
May I remain open to love, trust and friendship.
May I be kind to myself as well as to others.
May I use soft words when offering harsh truths.
May I continue to be a shoulder for those who feel they can’t stand alone.
May I be a better daughter, sister and friend
May I be a better me with every new breath
May I remain aware of my daily blessings
And, may the Goddess walk beside me with every step I take.

So Mote It Be.