Lately I've been bothered by comments that, honestly, I've heard for years. It isn't that they've just begun to piss me off, it's that I'm now trying to figure out why they're made in the first place.
I had a conversation a few weeks ago and someone said they couldn't imagine me in love. Granted, they've only known me for a few years and in that time I haven't been in a serious relationship but I was still a bit surprised. It brought to mind a conversation I had years ago. A family member and I were discussing someone who'd chosen to stay in a marriage even though it was abusive. All in the name of love and loyalty. I said I didn't think the person should settle and that's when I was told, "Well then, you've never been in love before." She added, "When you really love someone you do whatever you have to to stay with that person." I disagreed. I felt, when you really love yourself you do what you can to save a relationship but you do WHATEVER you have to to save YOU. Another time I was told I wouldn't understand the reasons to fight for a relationship because I've never been married.
All of these comments bothered me. Actually, they hurt me.
I have certainly been in love before. Deep deep love. I've loved more than once. Each time for different reasons. Each time with very different people. Each time I felt shattered when it was over. But, make no mistake, I have been in love.
Last week I was having dinner with an old friend and there were more comments made that carried a similar message. I was called a hard ass and told that I don't give guys a chance. This made me wonder... why do I give this impression? What is it I do that makes it seem that I don't want or know how to love someone? That I'm not open to giving love a chance?
I've been engaged three times. That's giving love a chance.
I've had long term, monogamous relationships. That's giving love a chance.
I'm known for my crazy dating stories... that's giving love and guys a chance. In fact, that's giving them a chance despite my experiences.
I make silly jokes about being incompatible with guys because of their height or the kind of shoes they wear. That's all it is, a joke. Look, if a man was a good man and treated me right, his footwear would not keep me from loving him.
I think I can be hard on men but only after they give me reason to pause. Even then, I often let my friends and family talk me into giving them a little more time.
I believe the issues aren't about how I'm hard on them or that I don't know what real love is, they're about the fact that I don't settle. It bothers some people. It's much easier for someone to think I'm lacking the capacity to love or to commit instead of saying to themselves that they've settled. This way it's me who has the problem, not them. From their viewpoint they have more than I do, they're above me because they understand love and I don't.
Well, I do understand love. I believe in love itself.
I believe in love at first sight. I believe in soul mates. I celebrate the loving true relationships that exist. I've loved so hard that I'm still friends with several ex-boyfriends. Even some who in the end hurt me, I've found a way to continue to love and care for them. This is the reason I wonder, why do I keep getting such a bad wrap?
I've given love more of an opportunity than most people I know. The difference is that I've been heartbroken many times by different people and others have been heartbroken many times by the same person.
I may be single today but my options are still open and I think in the end, I have a better chance of finding that forever love than many who have criticized me and settled.
About Me
- Lady Sage
- Harlem, New York, United States
- At a very young age I knew I wanted to do anything that involved getting my "opinion" on life out there. I would tell true stories and made up stories. I would sing and dance. I would conduct interviews and draw pictures. I just needed an outlet. My plans were to become a talk show host, until one day my mother pointed out that it would mean I'd have to do a lot of listening too. I realized talk show host wasn’t really going to work since what I really wanted was to talk and have people listen. In time I had to admit that I had much more to say than most people had time to listen to. So, I started to keep a journal. My journals helped me to formulate my thoughts and emotions but I still had no audience. Hopefully this blog will give me that audience. Blessed Be
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Celebrating Singledom #2
Today I'm going to celebrate the fact that being single means NOT having to deal with Commitment-Phobes.
What's worse than a Commitment-Phobe are the men who make excuses about why they "can't" commit. They feel they need to tell you in advance that the relationship has an expiration date.
Whether it's said before anything even starts or the moment they realize they don't like you "in that way", they want to be "honest" but that doesn't mean they want to walk away either. Stating it first is like legal disclosure. They say it IN CASE they don't like you enough later. That way they can always say they told you in the beginning and not feel guilty. If they wait to say it, it's at the point they KNOW they want to keep their options open. And... if they change their mind and want to stay involved after all, they only come off seeming sweet and romantic. "They just couldn't help falling in love with you". "You changed their mind". Give me a break!
Men don't know when to stop if they're interested in a woman. That's the truth. So, if they were really interested you would know it. I'm sure I'll get negative feedback on that comment but I'm sorry, that's what I think. "He's just not that into you" is true, it isn't just a line from Sex and The City.
When they're interested in you they have tunnel vision. It VERY rarely occurs to them that the woman in question wouldn't be interested.
The most common excuse is being a parent........ not having time to give to a relationship because they're a parent. I say excuse because kids only become an issue when the "parent" chooses to make them an issue. Children aren't problems. What gets me too is that even when they say it's the kids that are a barrier, it's usually the ex that is the barrier.
Now that I've gone in this direction, let's take a look at "Baby Mama Drama". I could never respect a man who pushed his kids aside in order to enjoy the single life but there is certainly a balance. Women find the balance. A single mother does not have to point out that she's a mother first. A single mother is a mother first... that's just a given.
The true problem is not letting go of the past relationship. Not letting go of the relationship could mean one person is still in love with the other, one person wants to get revenge on the other or one feels guilty for failing the other. Whatever the reason, it usually isn't about the kids. Sometimes the ex has a problem with you being with the father but they can't legitimately complain about that so they bitch about your involvement with "their" kids. It's completely selfish on their part. And, if you're dealing with a guilty father... he's trying to prove to his ex that he's a good enough parent even if she isn't in the picture.
Whatever the deal is, men need to be honest with themselves first. Whether a man is using his children as a reason not to commit or they really have convinced themselves that their kids are the reason, they need to open their eyes.
Single fathers always have to point out, "I love my kids more than anything." "My kids are my world." "Nobody comes before my kids." Yadda Frackin' Yadda!
Who are you trying to convince?
Hello! You're a parent, your kids are dependant on you,yes; but mainly, YOU are THEIR world. They should be loved unconditionally, they should know that you are there for them always, they should be your priority but come on... your world? That's a statement a person makes when they aren't sure of their place in someone else's life. Words are just that... words. Actions speak louder.
If your children are YOUR WORLD then why are you looking for someone to spend time with? Those statements are just put out there to put some emotional distance in an adult relationship. If the kids don't live with you full time then what's the problem? Your kids don't need to know what you do in your downtime. Do you tell them everything? Does the ex need to know what you're up to unless you're bringing someone around the kids?
I mean, do you tell your kids what you and your boys are doing when you're hanging out at a bar or at the game? The things "guys" talk about? Do you discuss with them every aspect of your job? Do you discuss being intimate with a woman? Nope. Nope. And... Nope.
So, why the hell do you need to include them or your ex in your dating life? Unless things progress to a real emotional level there is no need.
If you decide you don't want a relationship to be more than physical then be straight up and honest... YOU don't want more. It's not your kids "being your world" that's putting up barriers, it's you. Be a man about it.
And, if there are unresolved issues with your ex then finish that before starting something new.
I have dealt with men making all kinds of excuses about "having" to do this or that with/for their kids. When it comes from the heart, it isn't you "have to", you want to. You don't have to pick up your kids, you're picking up your kids. You don't have to call your kids, you're calling your kids. You don't have to see them in a play, you're going to see them in a play. Think about it! Are they your world or is it your duty to be a parent? Are they your priority yet you have a life of your own? Loving your kids shouldn't be a hardship. Meeting someone new and moving on in your love life shouldn't be one either. IF you meet a woman who has an issue with you having kids, then that isn't someone worthy of your time but that's a whole different thing.
If you only want a physical relationship, that's fine... in that case your kids shouldn't be brought into the deal anyway.
On the other hand, don't confuse the woman. Stop sending mixed messages. When you say you HAVE to do something, you give the impression that you would rather not do it and when it's given as a reason for not being with her... well, it seems you're saying you'd rather be with her IF you could.
Not getting involved emotionally means keeping a certain intimate distance. It does not include you dumping your problems on her. Get a therapist if that's what you need.
Emotions are not just romantic, clingy feelings, they're all emotions. Talking about your kids, your family, making plans for your future, asking opinions about those things are not just the basics. It's getting involved. Asking a woman to give you her time, her concern and her body then drawing a line when she asks for the same is being a selfish jackass. Admit it to yourself at least.
I like to say, everyone has baggage, just don't ask me to carry yours. My hands are already full.
Soooooo... on a celebration note, being single means no Commitment Drama, real or made up. Being single means I can hang out with a guy and I can draw the line... This is a NO Dumping Zone!
Blessed Be
What's worse than a Commitment-Phobe are the men who make excuses about why they "can't" commit. They feel they need to tell you in advance that the relationship has an expiration date.
Whether it's said before anything even starts or the moment they realize they don't like you "in that way", they want to be "honest" but that doesn't mean they want to walk away either. Stating it first is like legal disclosure. They say it IN CASE they don't like you enough later. That way they can always say they told you in the beginning and not feel guilty. If they wait to say it, it's at the point they KNOW they want to keep their options open. And... if they change their mind and want to stay involved after all, they only come off seeming sweet and romantic. "They just couldn't help falling in love with you". "You changed their mind". Give me a break!
Men don't know when to stop if they're interested in a woman. That's the truth. So, if they were really interested you would know it. I'm sure I'll get negative feedback on that comment but I'm sorry, that's what I think. "He's just not that into you" is true, it isn't just a line from Sex and The City.
When they're interested in you they have tunnel vision. It VERY rarely occurs to them that the woman in question wouldn't be interested.
The most common excuse is being a parent........ not having time to give to a relationship because they're a parent. I say excuse because kids only become an issue when the "parent" chooses to make them an issue. Children aren't problems. What gets me too is that even when they say it's the kids that are a barrier, it's usually the ex that is the barrier.
Now that I've gone in this direction, let's take a look at "Baby Mama Drama". I could never respect a man who pushed his kids aside in order to enjoy the single life but there is certainly a balance. Women find the balance. A single mother does not have to point out that she's a mother first. A single mother is a mother first... that's just a given.
The true problem is not letting go of the past relationship. Not letting go of the relationship could mean one person is still in love with the other, one person wants to get revenge on the other or one feels guilty for failing the other. Whatever the reason, it usually isn't about the kids. Sometimes the ex has a problem with you being with the father but they can't legitimately complain about that so they bitch about your involvement with "their" kids. It's completely selfish on their part. And, if you're dealing with a guilty father... he's trying to prove to his ex that he's a good enough parent even if she isn't in the picture.
Whatever the deal is, men need to be honest with themselves first. Whether a man is using his children as a reason not to commit or they really have convinced themselves that their kids are the reason, they need to open their eyes.
Single fathers always have to point out, "I love my kids more than anything." "My kids are my world." "Nobody comes before my kids." Yadda Frackin' Yadda!
Who are you trying to convince?
Hello! You're a parent, your kids are dependant on you,yes; but mainly, YOU are THEIR world. They should be loved unconditionally, they should know that you are there for them always, they should be your priority but come on... your world? That's a statement a person makes when they aren't sure of their place in someone else's life. Words are just that... words. Actions speak louder.
If your children are YOUR WORLD then why are you looking for someone to spend time with? Those statements are just put out there to put some emotional distance in an adult relationship. If the kids don't live with you full time then what's the problem? Your kids don't need to know what you do in your downtime. Do you tell them everything? Does the ex need to know what you're up to unless you're bringing someone around the kids?
I mean, do you tell your kids what you and your boys are doing when you're hanging out at a bar or at the game? The things "guys" talk about? Do you discuss with them every aspect of your job? Do you discuss being intimate with a woman? Nope. Nope. And... Nope.
So, why the hell do you need to include them or your ex in your dating life? Unless things progress to a real emotional level there is no need.
If you decide you don't want a relationship to be more than physical then be straight up and honest... YOU don't want more. It's not your kids "being your world" that's putting up barriers, it's you. Be a man about it.
And, if there are unresolved issues with your ex then finish that before starting something new.
I have dealt with men making all kinds of excuses about "having" to do this or that with/for their kids. When it comes from the heart, it isn't you "have to", you want to. You don't have to pick up your kids, you're picking up your kids. You don't have to call your kids, you're calling your kids. You don't have to see them in a play, you're going to see them in a play. Think about it! Are they your world or is it your duty to be a parent? Are they your priority yet you have a life of your own? Loving your kids shouldn't be a hardship. Meeting someone new and moving on in your love life shouldn't be one either. IF you meet a woman who has an issue with you having kids, then that isn't someone worthy of your time but that's a whole different thing.
If you only want a physical relationship, that's fine... in that case your kids shouldn't be brought into the deal anyway.
On the other hand, don't confuse the woman. Stop sending mixed messages. When you say you HAVE to do something, you give the impression that you would rather not do it and when it's given as a reason for not being with her... well, it seems you're saying you'd rather be with her IF you could.
Not getting involved emotionally means keeping a certain intimate distance. It does not include you dumping your problems on her. Get a therapist if that's what you need.
Emotions are not just romantic, clingy feelings, they're all emotions. Talking about your kids, your family, making plans for your future, asking opinions about those things are not just the basics. It's getting involved. Asking a woman to give you her time, her concern and her body then drawing a line when she asks for the same is being a selfish jackass. Admit it to yourself at least.
I like to say, everyone has baggage, just don't ask me to carry yours. My hands are already full.
Soooooo... on a celebration note, being single means no Commitment Drama, real or made up. Being single means I can hang out with a guy and I can draw the line... This is a NO Dumping Zone!
Blessed Be
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Celebrating Singledom
Last week I went on a second date with a guy we’ll call “Phil”. The important thing about this particular date… afterwards I wanted to celebrate my “singleness”.
Look, I’m 41 years old. I’ve been in love and I’ve been loved. I’ve been engaged more than once. I’ve been proposed to more times than I’ve accepted. Yet, I’m still single. This isn’t me complaining about not having found “the one”. This isn’t a male bashing thing. It isn’t a “down on love” thing either. This is about me not putting the rest of my life on hold waiting for love. Plain and simple, I want to enjoy where I am right now, in this moment.
Right now I will focus on me and all the wonderful things about having ME all to myself.
During the three weeks we’d gotten to know each other, Phil brought up feelings that reminded me what it felt like to really like someone again. A guy who could take care of himself, who was smart, funny and wasn’t completely broke. He also brought up feelings in me of fierce determination not to settle. His rude comments and uninformed observations on that second date and afterwards could have easily added to my insecurities yet it didn’t. It brought out a side of me I thankfully didn’t have to look far to find. I chose to explain to him my thoughts, actions and even my belief system NOT because I need to defend anything I do but to point out his judgmental attitude. He had a sense of superiority that was quiet obnoxious. He bragged about his education and his love of reading and learning as much as he could, what I found though… he was very ignorant about almost anything having to do with social interaction. He also, couldn’t handle someone knowing something he didn’t; hence I would say he doesn’t really love learning.
I don’t want to dwell too long on this complete dud of a guy but I will thank him (here and not in person) for helping me come to the realization that I am pretty happy about the important choices in my life. I suffer from depression and so sometimes it’s hard for me to remember my blessings. What I try to do is when I’m feeling positive about myself and all that surrounds me I write it down, this way when I need to find my way again, I read in my own words what I am grateful for.
This “Celebration of Singledom” hopefully will remind me of why I have chosen not to settle for someone unworthy of my love.
I am not looking for perfection. There is no such thing when it comes to describing another human. None of us are perfect. I’m certainly not perfect nor would I want to be, what would I strive for if that were the case?
No, what I’m looking for is someone respectful of who I am. Someone who can make me laugh. Someone who is dependable. Oh, the list can go on but for now at least, I’ll keep that between me and the Gods.
So… here is one of the items on my list of favorite “Singledom” things.
Having Male Friends
One of the conversations I had with “Phil” that night had to do with having friends of the opposite sex. He felt that when a couple got engaged or married they should no longer keep friends of the opposite sex. That upset me. I have several male friends and I wouldn’t want to give them up. If the friendship begins to fade, as friendships do sometimes, that’s different. But to think I would be expected to end friendships simply because of gender.
Being asked to end friendships on any basis isn’t a healthy thing between lovers. If a person you’re in a romantic relationship with doesn’t want you to be friendly with anyone of the opposite sex, it’s a given they don’t want you to stay friends with your exes. I, myself, still keep in touch with ex-boyfriends. It comes down to insecurity and little or no trust. Those are serious issues that have very little to do with you. Where would the requests end? What about gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender friends? How about the friends who still know your exes? How about your single friends? When will they feel secure enough?
I know that friends, real friends, are hard to find. Friends are a second family. Friends are the people who sometimes know more about you than your blood relatives do. I have survived many lows in my life with the help of my friends; often, those lows were heartaches due to broken relationships. My male friends have been there just as often as my female friends. Why would my partner ask me to let go of a support system that has helped me become the person they love. Yes, there are “friends” that sometimes aren’t healthy for us to keep in our life, in that case, gender isn’t the problem and it still shouldn’t be dictated when it’s time to let them go.
I will not accept anyone putting limitations on who I call friend. So, I am going to enjoy not defending any of my friendships; male, female, gay, straight or an ex.
Blessed Be )O(
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