Celebrating Singledom #2

Today I'm going to celebrate the fact that being single means NOT having to deal with Commitment-Phobes.
What's worse than a Commitment-Phobe are the men who make excuses about why they "can't" commit. They feel they need to tell you in advance that the relationship has an expiration date.

Whether it's said before anything even starts or the moment they realize they don't like you "in that way", they want to be "honest" but that doesn't mean they want to walk away either. Stating it first is like legal disclosure. They say it IN CASE they don't like you enough later. That way they can always say they told you in the beginning and not feel guilty. If they wait to say it, it's at the point they KNOW they want to keep their options open. And... if they change their mind and want to stay involved after all, they only come off seeming sweet and romantic. "They just couldn't help falling in love with you". "You changed their mind". Give me a break!

Men don't know when to stop if they're interested in a woman. That's the truth. So, if they were really interested you would know it. I'm sure I'll get negative feedback on that comment but I'm sorry, that's what I think. "He's just not that into you" is true, it isn't just a line from Sex and The City.
When they're interested in you they have tunnel vision. It VERY rarely occurs to them that the woman in question wouldn't be interested.

The most common excuse is being a parent........ not having time to give to a relationship because they're a parent. I say excuse because kids only become an issue when the "parent" chooses to make them an issue. Children aren't problems. What gets me too is that even when they say it's the kids that are a barrier, it's usually the ex that is the barrier.

Now that I've gone in this direction, let's take a look at "Baby Mama Drama". I could never respect a man who pushed his kids aside in order to enjoy the single life but there is certainly a balance. Women find the balance. A single mother does not have to point out that she's a mother first. A single mother is a mother first... that's just a given.
The true problem is not letting go of the past relationship. Not letting go of the relationship could mean one person is still in love with the other, one person wants to get revenge on the other or one feels guilty for failing the other. Whatever the reason, it usually isn't about the kids. Sometimes the ex has a problem with you being with the father but they can't legitimately complain about that so they bitch about your involvement with "their" kids. It's completely selfish on their part. And, if you're dealing with a guilty father... he's trying to prove to his ex that he's a good enough parent even if she isn't in the picture.

Whatever the deal is, men need to be honest with themselves first. Whether a man is using his children as a reason not to commit or they really have convinced themselves that their kids are the reason, they need to open their eyes.
Single fathers always have to point out, "I love my kids more than anything." "My kids are my world." "Nobody comes before my kids." Yadda Frackin' Yadda!
Who are you trying to convince?
Hello! You're a parent, your kids are dependant on you,yes; but mainly, YOU are THEIR world. They should be loved unconditionally, they should know that you are there for them always, they should be your priority but come on... your world? That's a statement a person makes when they aren't sure of their place in someone else's life. Words are just that... words. Actions speak louder.
If your children are YOUR WORLD then why are you looking for someone to spend time with? Those statements are just put out there to put some emotional distance in an adult relationship. If the kids don't live with you full time then what's the problem? Your kids don't need to know what you do in your downtime. Do you tell them everything? Does the ex need to know what you're up to unless you're bringing someone around the kids?
I mean, do you tell your kids what you and your boys are doing when you're hanging out at a bar or at the game? The things "guys" talk about? Do you discuss with them every aspect of your job? Do you discuss being intimate with a woman? Nope. Nope. And... Nope.
So, why the hell do you need to include them or your ex in your dating life? Unless things progress to a real emotional level there is no need.
If you decide you don't want a relationship to be more than physical then be straight up and honest... YOU don't want more. It's not your kids "being your world" that's putting up barriers, it's you. Be a man about it.
And, if there are unresolved issues with your ex then finish that before starting something new.

I have dealt with men making all kinds of excuses about "having" to do this or that with/for their kids. When it comes from the heart, it isn't you "have to", you want to. You don't have to pick up your kids, you're picking up your kids. You don't have to call your kids, you're calling your kids. You don't have to see them in a play, you're going to see them in a play. Think about it! Are they your world or is it your duty to be a parent? Are they your priority yet you have a life of your own? Loving your kids shouldn't be a hardship. Meeting someone new and moving on in your love life shouldn't be one either. IF you meet a woman who has an issue with you having kids, then that isn't someone worthy of your time but that's a whole different thing.

If you only want a physical relationship, that's fine... in that case your kids shouldn't be brought into the deal anyway.

On the other hand, don't confuse the woman. Stop sending mixed messages. When you say you HAVE to do something, you give the impression that you would rather not do it and when it's given as a reason for not being with her... well, it seems you're saying you'd rather be with her IF you could.
Not getting involved emotionally means keeping a certain intimate distance. It does not include you dumping your problems on her. Get a therapist if that's what you need.
Emotions are not just romantic, clingy feelings, they're all emotions. Talking about your kids, your family, making plans for your future, asking opinions about those things are not just the basics. It's getting involved. Asking a woman to give you her time, her concern and her body then drawing a line when she asks for the same is being a selfish jackass. Admit it to yourself at least.

I like to say, everyone has baggage, just don't ask me to carry yours. My hands are already full.

Soooooo... on a celebration note, being single means no Commitment Drama, real or made up. Being single means I can hang out with a guy and I can draw the line... This is a NO Dumping Zone!

Blessed Be