Celebrating Singledom

Last week I went on a second date with a guy we’ll call “Phil”. The important thing about this particular date… afterwards I wanted to celebrate my “singleness”.

Look, I’m 41 years old. I’ve been in love and I’ve been loved. I’ve been engaged more than once. I’ve been proposed to more times than I’ve accepted. Yet, I’m still single. This isn’t me complaining about not having found “the one”. This isn’t a male bashing thing. It isn’t a “down on love” thing either. This is about me not putting the rest of my life on hold waiting for love. Plain and simple, I want to enjoy where I am right now, in this moment.

Right now I will focus on me and all the wonderful things about having ME all to myself.

During the three weeks we’d gotten to know each other, Phil brought up feelings that reminded me what it felt like to really like someone again. A guy who could take care of himself, who was smart, funny and wasn’t completely broke. He also brought up feelings in me of fierce determination not to settle. His rude comments and uninformed observations on that second date and afterwards could have easily added to my insecurities yet it didn’t. It brought out a side of me I thankfully didn’t have to look far to find. I chose to explain to him my thoughts, actions and even my belief system NOT because I need to defend anything I do but to point out his judgmental attitude.  He had a sense of superiority that was quiet obnoxious. He bragged about his education and his love of reading and learning as much as he could, what I found though… he was very ignorant about almost anything having to do with social interaction. He also, couldn’t handle someone knowing something he didn’t; hence I would say he doesn’t really love learning.

I don’t want to dwell too long on this complete dud of a guy but I will thank him (here and not in person) for helping me come to the realization that I am pretty happy about the important choices in my life. I suffer from depression and so sometimes it’s hard for me to remember my blessings. What I try to do is when I’m feeling positive about myself and all that surrounds me I write it down, this way when I need to find my way again, I read in my own words what I am grateful for.

This “Celebration of Singledom” hopefully will remind me of why I have chosen not to settle for someone unworthy of my love.

I am not looking for perfection. There is no such thing when it comes to describing another human. None of us are perfect. I’m certainly not perfect nor would I want to be, what would I strive for if that were the case?

No, what I’m looking for is someone respectful of who I am. Someone who can make me laugh. Someone who is dependable. Oh, the list can go on but for now at least, I’ll keep that between me and the Gods.

So… here is one of the items on my list of favorite “Singledom” things.

Having Male Friends

One of the conversations I had with “Phil” that night had to do with having friends of the opposite sex. He felt that when a couple got engaged or married they should no longer keep friends of the opposite sex. That upset me. I have several male friends and I wouldn’t want to give them up. If the friendship begins to fade, as friendships do sometimes, that’s different. But to think I would be expected to end friendships simply because of gender.

Being asked to end friendships on any basis isn’t a healthy thing between lovers. If a person you’re in a romantic relationship with doesn’t want you to be friendly with anyone of the opposite sex, it’s a given they don’t want you to stay friends with your exes. I, myself, still keep in touch with ex-boyfriends.  It comes down to insecurity and little or no trust. Those are serious issues that have very little to do with you. Where would the requests end? What about gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender friends? How about the friends who still know your exes? How about your single friends? When will they feel secure enough?

I know that friends, real friends, are hard to find. Friends are a second family. Friends are the people who sometimes know more about you than your blood relatives do. I have survived many lows in my life with the help of my friends; often, those lows were heartaches due to broken relationships. My male friends have been there just as often as my female friends. Why would my partner ask me to let go of a support system that has helped me become the person they love. Yes, there are “friends” that sometimes aren’t healthy for us to keep in our life, in that case, gender isn’t the problem and it still shouldn’t be dictated when it’s time to let them go.

I will not accept anyone putting limitations on who I call friend. So, I am going to enjoy not defending any of my friendships; male, female, gay, straight or an ex.  

Blessed Be   )O(